“Be
more confident,” a friend once told me as we made the rounds at a
swanky networking event where I felt terribly out of place. Faking
confidence is easy: I pulled my shoulders back and spoke louder and with
more assertiveness.
Like
many soft-spoken, mild-mannered people, I’ve spent a great deal of time
trying to present myself this way. As it turns out, confidence may be
overrated.
“We
like confidence because it feels good and gives us a sense of control.
The alternative would be constant anxiety,” said Eric Barker, author of “Barking Up the Wrong Tree.”
We
live in a culture that reveres self-confidence and self-assuredness,
but as it turns out, there may be a better approach to success and
personal development: self-compassion. While self-confidence makes you
feel better about your abilities, it can also lead you to vastly
overestimate those abilities.
Self-compassion,
on the other hand, encourages you to acknowledge your flaws and
limitations, allowing you to look at yourself from a more objective and
realistic point of view. Both have merits, but many experts believe that
self-compassion includes the advantages of self-confidence without the
drawbacks.
In
his book, Mr. Barker asserts that productivity culture often promotes
faking confidence without considering these drawbacks. Namely, when you
fake it, you may start to believe your own lie, which can lead to
disastrous outcomes.
Because
confidence feels good “we often don’t notice when it creeps across the
line to overconfidence,” Mr. Barker said. This is better known as the
Dunning-Kruger effect: a cognitive bias in which you overestimate your
ability in something.
But
this isn’t to say you have to go around feeling inadequate. Dr. Kristin
Neff, an associate professor of educational psychology at the
University of Texas, suggests a solution to the problem of
overconfidence: self-compassion.
“Self-compassion
is treating yourself with the same kindness, care and concern you show a
loved one,” Dr. Neff said. “We need to frame it in terms of humanity.
That’s what makes self-compassion so different: ‘I’m an imperfect human
being living an imperfect life.’”
By
that definition, self-compassion is the opposite of overconfidence.
Admitting we have flaws just like anyone else keeps us connected to
others, Dr. Neff said, and also keeps us from exaggerating our flaws or
strengths. Unlike overconfidence, which attempts to hide self-doubt and
other pessimistic shortcomings, self-compassion accepts them.
Self-compassion, Mr. Barker writes, includes the benefits of confidence
without the downside of delusion.
“A
lot of people think self-compassion is weak, but it’s just the
opposite,” Dr. Neff said. “When you’re in the trenches, do you want an
enemy or an ally?” Whereas confidence is aimed at feeling adequate and
powerful despite how adequate and powerful you actually are,
self-compassion encourages you to accept a more objective reality.
For example, a study
published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology asked
people to describe themselves while being recorded on video. Those
subjects were then told they would be rated on how likable, friendly and
intelligent they seemed in the video. Subjects who had high levels of
self-compassion had generally the same emotional reaction no matter how
they were rated. By contrast, people with high levels of self-esteem had
negative emotional reactions if the feedback was simply neutral and not
exceptional. They were also more likely to blame unexceptional ratings
on outside factors.
“In
general, these studies suggest that self-compassion attenuates people’s
reactions to negative events in ways that are distinct from and, in
some cases, more beneficial than self-esteem,” the researchers
concluded.
Without
the pressure to be superhuman, it’s easier to accept feedback and
criticism. It’s much harder to learn and improve when you believe you
already know everything.
Dr. Neff said resilience may be the most remarkable benefit of self-compassion. In one study,
she and her colleagues worked with veterans returning from war in Iraq
and Afghanistan. The subjects worked with clinical psychologists who
determined that nearly half of the group (42 percent) experienced
symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder. Using a 26-item self-report
questionnaire that included statements like, “I’m tolerant of my own
flaws and inadequacies,” Dr. Neff and her colleagues rated subjects’
level of self-compassion. The study concluded that the more
self-compassionate veterans were, the less severe their PTSD symptoms
were.
Dr.
Neff added that self-compassionate people also tend to ruminate less
because they can “break the cycle of negativity” by accepting their own
imperfections.
Still, of course, there are many benefits to being confident, even if it’s a put-on. A study
published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found
that simply appearing more confident makes people believe you deserve
more respect and admiration, possibly helping you reach higher social
status. Another study
published in Plos One found that when people are overconfident, others
overrate them as smarter and more skilled. In other words, there’s
something to the “fake it until you make it” phenomenon.
But
self-compassion and acceptance can offer a whole suite of other
benefits: It’s easier for self-compassionate people to improve on those
mistakes, failures or shortcomings because they view them more
objectively. Research shows self-compassion is an effective motivator in
this way.
Self-compassionate
people are better at owning up to their mistakes. Juliana Breines and
Serena Chen of the University of California at Berkeley conducted a series of experiments
to measure the effect of self-compassion on personal growth. In one
study, they asked people to think about something they’ve done that made
them feel guilty (lying to a partner, for example). From there,
subjects were assigned to a group: self-compassion, self-esteem control
or positive distraction control. The self-compassion group had to write
to themselves “from a compassionate and understanding perspective.”
The
self-esteem group was instructed to write about their own positive
qualities, and the positive distraction group was asked to write about a
hobby they enjoyed. According to the study, those who practiced
self-compassion were more motivated to admit and apologize for their
mistake than people in the self-esteem group or positive distraction
group. The self-compassion group was also more committed to not
repeating their mistakes.
What’s
more, self-compassion has been shown to help people better empathize
with others. Dr. Neff and her colleague, Tasha Beretvas at the
University of Texas at Austin, have found
that people rate self-compassionate partners as more caring and
supportive than self-critical ones. So if your partner points out a
flaw, you’ll do better to accept it and forgive yourself than beat
yourself up and dwell on it.
Pulling
your shoulders back is easy. Learning to be kind to yourself takes
considerably more effort. In his book, Mr. Barker suggests a few ways to
embrace self-compassion: Accept that you’re human, recognize your
failures and frustrations, and avoid dwelling on mistakes.
“The
first and most important thing to do is to notice that voice in your
head – that running commentary we all have as we go about our lives,”
Mr. Barker said. “Often that voice is way too critical. You beat
yourself up for every perceived mistake. To be more self-compassionate,
you need to notice that voice and correct it.”
That
doesn’t mean lying to yourself, Mr. Barker says, but rather changing
the way you talk to yourself. It may help to imagine the way a loved one
would talk to you about your mistakes, then switch that voice out for a
more supportive one. Keep in mind, however, that the harsh critic in
your head is not your enemy. This is a common misconception that can
make things worse, Dr. Neff said, because that voice is a survival
mechanism that’s intended to keep you safe.
“Don’t beat yourself up for beating yourself up,” she said. “We just need to learn to make friends with our inner critic.”
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